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Little Stories From Thailand
At one point while living in Thailand I decided I needed to write some poetry. I'm not sure if it was because I was was living in a one-room apartment with no television or computer, or because I was drinking a lot of malt liquor and reading Bukowski. Either way, for two straight weeks I churned out prose like a madman. I never tried to write poetry again, and that is just fine by me. Here are a few of them.
The Stories
The Noodle Girl | The Cows | Bartender on Soi Cowboy
Cause and Effect | Loy Gratong | Diving for Pearls
The Noodle Girl
The old, fat convicted
child molester teacher
sat down across from me at a roadside noodle house.
"You know Geoff," he said. "Every time I make
a date with these Thai girls I always get stood up."
"Well, that's the Thais for ya." I said.
The noodle girl waited for him to order.
He ordered in English.
She looked at me.
I translated.
"You know Geoff, whenever they wash my clothes they
always lose my slacks. I tell 'em HOW AM I GONNA
TEACH ENGLISH IF I DON'T HAVE ANY SLACKS?"
"Well, that's the Thais for ya." I said.
The old, fat convicted child molester teacher
lit a cigarette and shook his head.
I couldn't quite understand what he was
doing here.
Teaching english to small children.
He collected his styrofoam noodle containers
and left.
I finished my beer.
Two months later the old, fat convicted child molester teacher
married the noodle girl.
Well, that's the Thais for ya.
The Cows
We had walked for almost an hour and we finally saw lights ahead. And a big Coke sign. Whenever we saw a Coke sign we knew civilization was close at hand. Restaurants began to appear, bars, things were looking up. This one bar we passed had a girl in a pink miniskirt singing songs inside a giant fishbowl with little plastic fish hanging from string. We took a turn down a dark alley and came out on another street.
"OH SHIT!"
I yelled.
"What?" Dave said.
"Cows!"
"Oh my god, you're right. Cows!"
The road was full of cows. Drivers were slamming on their breaks trying to avoid hitting the cows. We needed to get across that street. Dave started walking.
"What the hell
are you doing?"
"Crossing the street."
"But the cows!"
"What? They don't charge do they?"
"I don't know? They got horns!"
We made it across.
Sat down. Ordered a bottle of Mekong.
Bartender on Soi Cowboy
She told me she didn't
like Thai men.
She said Thai men don't understand women like
Americans do.
She told me she had a Thai boyfriend once.
She said he used to hit her so she
broke it off.
I felt sorry for her.
She was tall and beautiful.
She gave me a drink on the house because she
really liked me.
I actually started to believe that she
really liked me.
We made a date for lunch the next day.
I was sure she wouldn't show up.
But she did.
And we went to a big mall and ate sukiyaki.
We sat next to each other and she rested her
hand on my shoulder while we ate.
And talked.
And I was thinking how great it was that she
really liked me.
We walked hand in hand through the mall and she
said it was neat that I could speak Thai.
I told her I would come back to Bangkok next week to see her.
She said I should call before I come down.
She kissed my cheek and got into a cab. As the cab drove off she
smiled and waved through the rear window.
The next week I wanted to surprise her so
I didn't call.
She wasn't at work that night.
But I somehow managed to find her eating noodles
on the roadside with her
Thai boyfriend.
I said hello.
When she saw me she got up and ran. She was soon
swallowed up by the neon light of a million go-go bars.
Her Thai boyfriend's face said he'd seen it all before.
Although I never saw her again, I still wonder if she
really liked
me.
Cause and Effect
The english teacher
from California called us
snobs because we don't hang out with the other foreigners.
Then he talked some bullshit beer philosophy.
"Can there be effect without cause?" He pondered.
We yawned, paid our bill and went bowling.
Verbal trickery and drunken paradox don't hold a
candle to a good game of ten pin.
Loy Gratong
It was one of those wacky Thai holidays where everyone
throws bombs at each other.
A group of about 15 guys sat in a circle across the street
from me and passed around a bottle of Mekong.
They seemed nice enough.
They threw a bomb at me.
It exploded under a car.
Jim ran out of the bar and asked what was happening.
I told her the guys across the street threw a bomb at me.
She yelled at them in Thai.
I assumed she told them not to throw any more bombs at
the farang.
I couldn't really blame them.
I'm a big white guy in Thailand on a bomb-throwing holiday.
What did I expect?
They laughed at Jim and threw another bomb.
This bomb rolled into the street in front of Jim's bar and exploded.
Ong came out this time and gave them a stare only a former
gangster turned humble, beer swilling artist can give.
It was all twisted and mean.
He got on the phone. Made a call.
He disappeared behind the bar came back with a hatchet.
I ordered a beer.
Soon the gangsters showed up.
They drove Harleys.
I knew them all. We had shared beers before.
But now they seemed different. Menacing.
They ordered beers and started loading their 9mm clips with tiny bullets.
I took a long drink of beer and started to sweat.
I looked outside and the guys across the street were pacing
back and forth.
One guy had a samurai sword.(!)
I sat in the corner and watched my lovable Thai friends transform
themselves into axe-wielding hooligans.
They laughed quietly
and drank several more beers each.
Then, they all stood up and turned to go outside.
Here comes the killing.
I was just about to crap my pants when the cops showed up.
The cops and the gangsters all had a good laugh together.
Obviously pals.
The guys from across the street were rounded up and sent off to jail.
I caught a tuk tuk home and sat down and drank two large bottles of
malt liquor.
Diving For Pearls
The mermaids swam
naked in a fish tank while the
fat Europeans tossed coins over the glass.
I drank my beer and tried to look unassuming
amongst so much flesh.
I'm not like the fat Europeans I thought. I'm somehow different.
But, like them, I cannot resist
so much flesh.
A mermaid sat next to me and I bought her a drink.
She told me of her impoverished family back home and
her sick father.
And how she sells her tail every night to pay hospital bills.
I knew she was lying but I felt sorry for her anyway.
So I bought her another drink.
The fat Europeans laughed loudly and groped the mermaids.
The girl put her hand on my lap and giggled.
I'm not like the fat Europeans I thought.
I am so much better.
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